12/28/03

What a weekend. Actually... the excitement all happened Friday, really... the rest of the weekend was more or less unmemorable, though the LAN party was fun. Friday I took Bonny hiking down at Holy Jim. I don't think I'll tell the story here though, in the journal, because I'm going to do a little write up on it in the Adventures (it was definitely that) section tomorrow or Tuesday night. I'll just give the short short version. Basically a rock fell down a hill, broke apart right before it hit Bonny, and the fragments sliced through her cheek and broke her finger. The cut on her face was about 3 inches or so long and a quarter of an inch deep. Not exactly a small scratch. The bone in her middle right finger was split down the middle and a chunk of flesh was torn out. I've been playing the events of the actual event as it occured over and over and over in my head all weekend. Not because I want to, of course, I just can't help it. And though there are a few spots where I don't remember exactly what happened, I can see some images with crystal clarity. And though I know that I didn't cause the rock to fall (some kids did... whether or not it was intentional we will never know)... I can't help but feel guilt and responsibility for what happened to her... either because I couldn't and didn't do anything to prevent it... or because I left the place unscathed... not a scratch on me. Or maybe it is both. I can honestly say that this is the only time in my life that I have witnessed something bad happen to someone else and truly wished that I could have traded places with them. I still do. I wish that I was closer to her at the time and that I could have and would have done something to protect her... but I wasn't and I couldn't and I didn't. I wish that I hadn't paused to let the kids and father who kicked the rock down pass me, becuase that is why Bonny ended up in front of me and in the spot she was when the rock came down. But those thoughts are useless... what's done is done, we can't change it, and if we could, even worse things could happen as a result of those changes... all we can do is learn from what has happened. I learned a bit about myself... never having been in that type of situation before, and I learned a lot about Bonny... about how amazingly strong and positive she is.

I think I could go on and on right now about all this, but I don't think I will. It will get long and most likely very repetitive and boring. I just wanted to record how I feel right now... and maybe later I'll get to look back at this and wonder or cry or laugh or just remember. I think I mostly write about photography and trips and gear and what I do or want to do, when I write in this journal... but seldomly do I mention how I really feel or what I think about things. Maybe that'll change...

Hopefully I will have the time to write about the trip tomorrow night... I need to do it while it is still fresh in my mind, though somehow I don't think I'll forget the details of this trip the way I do with everything else...